My Manchester United XI

So we've got a new boss. We're 8th in the league, our worst start to a league in 24 years. Things have been pretty poor at Old Trafford. No, I'm not here saying Man Utd are now done, Moyes is not capable, we are doomed. Nah, because David Moyes is a very good football manager and he will get better as the season goes on. I am sure of it. We don't sack our managers like that, we are not Chelsea. Down and out? Down, sure. Never out.

I think back to the best of this club, all the wonderful players who have played for this club, some of the biggest reasons why I started supporting this great football club. 

Here, I list my favorite Man Utd squad.

1. Goalkeeper : Edwin Van Der Sar.

Edwin Van Der Sar

Initially, I was quite torn. There were only two options, I'm afraid. Edwin Van Der Sar and Peter Schmeichel. 

            Schmeichel, the big bad Dane, voted the Best GK in the World (1992) was one of the most dominant keepers I've ever seen. Van Der Sar was also massive and was a tireless servant  of the club and was largely successful. Also, Schmeichel played for Man City some time after he left us. Therefore, he is dead to me and Edwin Van Der Sar is my goalkeeper.

2. Right Back : Gary Neville!

Gary Neville

No question here. Gary Neville! One of the club's loyals. Great attitude, solid in defense, great captain. Moving on..

3. Central Defenders :  Rio Ferdinand and Jaap Stam.

Rio Ferdinand

Jaap Stam

Rio Ferdinand! The big badass centre back, when he joined us from Leeds was arguably the best in the world. Rock solid in defense,enthusiastic going forward and an all round great guy. In!

Jaap Stam! The strong Dutchman, in his three years at the club was a 

very very strong defender. One of Sir Alex's deepest regrets is to 

have let him go.

4. Left Back : Denis Irwin.

Denis Irwin

Very few were better than the Irishman. Could take the free kicks too. Bonus!

5. Central Midfield : Roy Keane and Paul Scholes.

Roy Keane

Paul Scholes

Roy Keane would be my captain. Great footballer, not one to hide his feelings and an amazing captain. Always drove the team forward.                                                                                                        

Paul Scholes! My favorite footballer! A magician with a football at feet. The crazy crosses, precision passing and a super powerful right foot. In!                                                                                                             

6. Left Wing : Ryan Giggs. 

WHO ELSE?

7. Right Wing : David Beckham/Cristiano Ronaldo. 

   

                                                                                 OR






Really hard to split these two. Absolute legends for Utd on the right wing, both of them. The magic remains.

8. Forwards: Eric Cantona and Ruud Van Nistelrooy/Wayne Rooney.

Eric Cantona

Wayne Rooney

Ruud van Nistelrooy

King Cantona! For sure.  Van Nistelrooy or Wayne Rooney? I can't decide.

Manager : Sir Alex.

 Pfft. Obviously.

My Bench :

Peter Schmeichel

Nemanja Vidic

Patrice Evra

Ole Gunnar Solksjaer

Micheal Carrick

Dwight Yorke

Teddy Sheringham

Players I wish played for Man Utd : Dennis Bergkamp, Zinedine Zidane and Thierry Henry.

Players I wish never played for Man Utd : Carlos Tevez and Diego Forlan.

Thank you.

Klein Hund, Klein Hund.

I was lounging around my room playing Halo on my XBOX when I thought, Hey! I should translate "Nayi Mari, Nayi Mari, Thindi Beke?" to German! Yes. I should. I can't believe nobody has ever done this before! It'll be a first! I will be the first person on Earth to translate Nayi Mari, Nayi Mari, Thindi Beke to German! And the whole world will kneel before me. I can't wait to get started. Firstly, I'm going to need the lyrics to it. Easy enough except nobody can go further than the first four lines. This is going to be tricky, I'll just Google it. Hang on.

Of course, Google has it. No need to phone my Grand dad. Let me just get started then. I'll try not to Google Translate anything. But then again, what's 'Theertha' in German? I'll start anyway.

PS: Nayi Mari, Nayi Mari, Thindi Beke? is a beloved Kannada rhyme about a little girl talking to her puppy. Yes, duly noted. I will get a life. In the meantime, HERE WE GO!

                                                Klein Hund, Klein Hund 

                                                                                   -  Aditya R Bhat.

                                       Klein Hund, Klein Hund,

                                       Möchtest du frühstück?

                                       Frühstück wollen, trinken wollen, 

                                       Alles wollen!

                                       Klein Hund, Warum willst du frühstück?

                                       Essen und das Haus bewachen!

                                       Klein Hund, Was werdst du, wenn ein Dieb kommt?

                                       Ich werde schreien 'BOW BOW' und laufen!

                                       Oh! Mein kluger Hund,

                                       Warten, Ich bringe deine Frühstück!

                                       Bitte, bringen Sie mir frühstück und werde ich immer Ihr Haus bewachen!

Thank You. (Vielen Dank).

That is all. (Das ist alles).

                                       

I shall get stuff done today

Last night, just before I went to bed, I remembered that I had nothing planned for today and I could get some studying done. I decided on one subject and set myself a target of finishing two units by the end of the day.

So, this morning, I woke up early and ran to the shower because I had to get my studying done. But, the solar water heating system was broken which meant I could only get cold water for my shower. I could've just showered in freezing water but since I'm not mental, I poured water into the old water boiling machine in the corner of the bathroom and flicked on the switch. The boiler would approximately take about 45 minutes to heat the required water in which time I could've started with studies of the first unit. But, I figured I could run for while on the treadmill and get a bit of exercise done so that I didn't have to shower again later in the day if I wanted to work out.

After I was finished with my bath, I settled down on my desk to start studying but I slipped some Tropicana on my desk and on my shirt. So, I searched the house for a sponge to clean it off. Then, I saw that my desk was quite messy so I figured I'd clean the whole desk because a clean and organized desk would help me get my studying done more effectively.

By the time I finished cleaning the desk and organizing my books and making my bed and cleaning my football posters, I felt quite hungry and I realized I hadn't had any breakfast. Since I was home alone, there was nothing in the fridge except a half eaten burger, orange juice that smelled like tears and pain and some suspicious looking yogurt can. I felt I couldn't effectively study on an empty stomach so I ran down to the grocery store to get some food. Then, I figured I was already there and there was a bunch of other crap I better get so I wouldn't have to worry about supplies while I got my studying done.

When I got home, I ate the sandwich I bought at the grocery store while watching an episode of Homeland. I was 20 minutes into the show when I was done with my sandwich so I decided that I would start studying right after the episode ended so as to eliminate the curiosity of knowing what Abu Nazir would do to Carrie while I studied.

2 pm and I settled down into my desk chair and realized it was squeaky and so I ran down to the hardware store and got some oil for the chair so that I wouldn't be distracted by the squeaking of my chair while I got my studying done. While at the hardware store, I ran into a friend who wanted to have lunch together. It had been a while since I saw her and I wasn't full from the shite sandwich, so I went along.

After lunch, I drove her home and got back just as the clock struck 5 to start studying. I found a notebook to make notes and pointers in, but I found that I had used the same notebook in the last semester and there was only a quarter of the pages empty. So, I ran down to the book store to get a brand new notebook because I enjoy the smell of it and also, making notes in a fresh notebook would kick start the semester's studies in a wonderful manner. I remembered that I also needed a new pen and therefore, I shopped for some stationery as I was there anyway. On the way out of the store, I inadvertently saw a dog's vagina which shot my mind and made my legs go funny but that's not the point.

When I got back, I saw dirty dishes from my earlier sandwich eating so I figured I'd do the dishes quickly because that would be one less thing to worry about while I got my studying done. By this time, it was 8:30 pm which meant the Man Utd vs Everton FC game was about to start. So, I got out some Mountain dew I'd bought earlier at the grocery store and settled down on the couch.

I just have to make sure I get to bed early because I want to be well rested for tomorrow so I can study two units.

What went wrong?

There's this thing I read online a couple of days ago that made me laugh. It was a poll that sort of decided the 'Youth Icons' of 2011. The results were as follows.

1. Justin Bieber - 56%

2. Lady Gaga - 29%

3. Robert Pattinson - 15% 

I don't know about you but, to me that is hilarious. I switched my laptop off and threw myself onto the bean bag. Red bull in hand, I stared at the ceiling.

What went wrong?

Kids today idolize Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga. How did this happen? There are so many people we can idolize. We have social reformers, doctors, novelists, army men, sportsmen, charity workers but no, we want a freak in a meat dress! Do kids really not see anything weird growing up to be Lady Gaga? This is something I've always wondered. Huh. Lady Gaga. What species is that? Women are beautiful. They shouldn't do that to themselves. I don't know if you know this but I saw a picture of Lady Gaga before she became a freak and do you know what, she looked gorgeous. Plastic surgery is mental too. I mean, look at Micheal Jackson, holy shit! That is not a good look. I know all you MJ fans are going to be cross with me, but let's be honest, he looked like a fox caught in a windstorm.

Justin Bieber. Why is he that famous? Why is it that when I just type 'J' in Google search box, I get  ten million results for Justin Bieber?  Is it because he said the word "Baby" more times than anyone else in the world in a period of five minutes? Is that it? And do you know what, he won the American Music Award and the Billboard Music Award for it. I'm baffled. What is wrong with us? Why do we celebrate such madness and banality?  I don't get it. Justin Beiber's got an autobiography out. How mad is that? He's 16 years old, for fuck's sake!

Imagine reading  that book. Chapter three. "Today, I was denied riding the roller coaster at Disney World because I'm not tall enough. I'm very sad. Mom said, 'Eat your veggies, Justin.' I said to myself, 'One day I'll conquer that roller coaster, one day.' as I ate my veggies."

I saw everywhere how everyone made fun of Twilight, you know, so I read it. I mean, what a heap of shit.

I get it now. 'I must leave, Bella, for I believe I endanger your life. I'm a vampire, Bella.', says the vampire named Edward. Along comes a ware wolf named Jacob. It's too corny isn't it? "You have to choose, Bella. I'm a vampire, I'm a ware wolf. Choose, Bella, choose." What is wrong with Bella? By that logic, why can't it be, "Oe Bella. I'm a Caterpillar. Choose me. I'm an insect. I'm also a train, Bella." 

Just saying. How did all this become the epicentre of cool? What is wrong with the music I listen to? 

David Soul, Ronan Keating, James Taylor, Robbie Williams, Eric Clapton, Brian Johnson, Angus Young, James Morrison, The Beatles. They make me feel alive, you know, they make me feel good. I have fun. 

I don't know about you but listening to Pa Pa Pa Poker Face makes me feel nauseated. 

There's this other thing that baffles me. I saw a group on Facebook the other day named "Justin Bieber Haters". I ventured inside, 'cause I'm an idiot and do you know what I found? There was this admin, a 17 year old named Martin who ran the group. The group consisted of two thousand other idiots who spent a considerable amount of their time online expressing their hate towards Beiber every single day! How mad can you get? Yes, you dislike someone. You say 'yeah, he's shit.' and move on with your lives. Not dedicate your entire childhood to make fun of someone who's never even going to read the insulting meme you created!

But hey, don't get me wrong. I love kids. I'm not one of these people going 'Bloody children. Never running around, always on computers.' No. Because we would've done the exact same thing but our computer games were shit!

"Adi, do you want to go to the park?"

"Oh, I don't think so, man. I'm playing this game where you got to get the fish across the stream jumping on boats."

"wow. Really?"

"Yeah, if he doesn't get on the boat, he's going to fall into the water and die even though he's a fucking fish."

Have you seen the games we have today? Call of Duty, Diablo, Crysis, Dirt! Did you know Max Payne 3 is 27 GB? I mean, screw the park!

All I'm saying is, It would probably be better if the kids would idolize someone who isn't a proper ass clown and get to the park once in a while so we could say no to bariatric surgery.

So, this is me. Just trying to make the world a better place. Haha!

Wingman for an Old Man

It was a beautiful Sunday morning. I lay in bed, not really asleep. Turned my head towards the alarm clock.

5:42 AM. Huh.

I looked out the window. The sun was half up. And my God, it looked beautiful. Aah, the tender chirping of parrots and pigeons had kept me up all bloody night. I looked at a dog barking on the street. No other life form in sight. Who the fuck are you barking at?

'How about I go running?', I asked myself. The outdoors look swell.

Tracks, shoes and headphones on, I was out. Holy Crap, it was cold. I ran on the lonely otherwise packed road with James Taylor singing in my ears. With the exception of the occasional paper delivery guy and the milk man, there was nobody awake. I also saw an old woman stealing flowers from the tree in someone Else's home. Cheap.

I ran for about 10 minutes and I reached a park. The sun was up. I went in, stretched a bit and sat down on a stone bench.

"When you give me that pretty little pout,
 It turns me inside out.
 There's something about you, baby!", I sang without really realising where I was. But hey, that's James Taylor.

"What the hell did you just say to me?", I heard a voice say.

I cut the music, turned around and saw an old man sitting next to me. "I'm sorry?"

"Are you hitting on me, boy?", the old man laughed.

"Is it working?", I winked. He burst into laughter. It was scary.

"I'm Retd. General Shankar Prasad.", he introduced himself.

"Aditya Bhat, sir!", I whipped my right hand in salute. Ha!

"What happened there?", he pointed to the plaster on my left hand.

"Aah, cricket injury. You've got your sacrifices, we've got ours."

"You're a funny young man!", he burst out laughing again. "Now tell me, he continued, "Why are you running in a park at 6 in the morning with a broken hand when the rest of your generation is asleep? Looking for women eh? Go to a mall."

"You sly man", I smiled, "I can't play for 6 months with this injury, might as well keep fit."

"Good on you. You want to know the real reason I come here?", he leaned forward.

"Because you need all the fresh air you can get to survive?", I quipped. This old man would not kill me if I even made fun of his manhood.

"Look at that woman over there?", he pointed his finger out, "That's Geeta. I love her."

"Are you mad!", I jumped.

"Settle down, son. I've lost my wife. My kids live in London. What's my fault?", he said.

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"I sit here everyday across her trying to muster up the courage to just talk to her. Her husband's dead too. If I could just ask her out, once.."

"You come here everyday? You horny bastard.", I laughed.

"Are you going to help me or not?", he said, " What's wrong with me? I look great don't I?".

This conversation had reached escalating degrees of awkwardness. 15 minutes ago, I was just a guy walking in a park, listening to his music, minding his own business. Suddenly, I'm helping a 70 year old man get laid.

How does this seem to happen to me?

"Oh yes, you look ravishing.", I quipped.

"Tell you what, we're going to go have coffee and you are helping me.", he suddenly sounded strict.

"Sir, yes, sir!".

At the coffee stall, with a coffee cup in hand, he began again. "So, what do you feel?"

I still had no idea what to say.

"Well, let's be honest, you dress like a boss. But you have no hair."

"Oh you're talking about hair now? You have no idea. You should see me, son. I'm like Bob Marley down there."

"Oh my God. Please sir, I do not deserve that privilege.", I said, very close to puking.

"So, I go talk to her?", he questioned. "Might as well get this over with", I thought to myself.

"Yes.", I began, "Let me tell you exactly what you need to do. Go over there. Say hello. Tell her it's a great park but not too much information like who the contractor was and what cement was used."

"Go on.", he muttered.

"Play your military card. Because let's face it, that's the only card you have. Tell her about how you once saved the lives of an innocent mother and her infant child who were stuck in the crossfire of a gun battle between the army and militants somewhere on the border during the course of which you were shot in the right shoulder. That ought to do it."

"You think I can pull that off?", he asked.

"You're a horny 70 year old who goes to a park just to look at a woman. Come on.", I said.

"You're a genius, you realise that don't you?", he couldn't stop smiling, "Thanks, lad."

So, I sat at the stone bench sipping coffee as my old pupil walked out of the park with the old lady.

What was gorgeous Sunday morning.

What should 4 year olds play with : iPads or Lego?

Okay, so I'd like to start off by apologizing for not writing often. I have been mourning the tragic loss of a certain Micheal Jackson.

Anyway, I was reading the newspaper the other day and there was this topic about how children are utterly addicted to the new age gizmos and how their parents felt about that. So, this got me thinking.

I didn't get an iPad when I was 4. I wasn't neanderthal, either. So, what is my take on the issue?

There were two teams of parents, as I saw it. The ones that were proud that the toddlers were tech savvy (Team A) and the others who felt that too much technology at such a young age would screw them up (Team B). They all are right.

Team A is ecstatic that their kids can so wonderfully access Facebook on their own laptops and iPads. Whether or not they can write, speak or read English is an entirely different matter. All these kids probably do on the Internet is google stuff like 'Cute puppies' and 'Ben 10' or play games like 'Dress up the Barbie' and 'Farmville'. You are never going to see a kid make proper use of what the gizmo is designed to do. That is exactly what I am getting at. Why does your kid need an iPad to look at a cute puppy? Buy her a frikkin' cute puppy instead!

When I was a four year old, all I got was a wooden bat and a tennis ball. Did that upset me? No! I was ecstatic! I would run to the local playground and play cricket, out in the sun, all bloody day! I would even get a chance to rub it in the other kids like "Look at that, I have my own cricket bat! Yeah, that's right, sucker!"
I look at the kids now and it just makes me sad. I mean, come on, where's the spirit? Why are all the playgrounds so empty? Basically, what I'm saying to Team A is, yes, it is good the kids to know their technology. Google makes everyone inquisitive, sure. But, you gotta let them out otherwise they're going to end up fat like the IT people they shall be 20 years later.

On the other hand, I'd disagree with Team B, too. You don't want your kids to be stupid, do you? Buy your son a PlayStation. It's all right. Let him play Halo, Call of Duty, Fifa, whatever. You might want to check on him a little if he's playing Grand Theft Auto, though. Also, take him to parks, play with him. Take him to cricket matches, football matches, all that stuff. If you deny your kid a computer even when he's 13 and make him study all the time, sure, he'll know a lot of interesting shit about long division and protons, but, he shall look at a computer elsewhere and say to you "Daddy, what is that magic box?" Catch my drift? Ha!

Also, I'm against the idea of elders trying to make the younger generation like them. It is customary for a generation of people to assume that they were far superior in every damn way than the generation that follows. Bullshit.

Distinguished 70 year olds, I ask you, why would you assume you were better? You did not watch porn on the computer because there was  no computer! You looked at the wheels of the only Premier Padmini passing your village and you just sat there going, "Whoa. Mind blowing."

What do the 40 year olds say?

Q: How were you as a child?
A:Well, when I was a child, I wasn't naughty like the children of today.

Q: Did you do well in your exams?
A: Yeah, I scored 60% at the least.

Q: How is that good?
A: Let me tell you, the exams these days are getting easier.

Q: Maybe the children are getting cleverer?
A: What have you been smoking?

We're miserable as fuck and yet, we want to make kids like us?

Children of today are brilliant, no doubt. Channelise that. Let them make mistakes, it's okay. Let them have fun. Make them read novels, watch movies, celebrate what's good about life. Let them party. Just make sure they don't get molested. That is what it is, really. 'Freedom with a certain limitations.' You can't say to your son, "Okay look, this is a porn website. There's lots of nasty stuff in it. So do not enter this website. Got it?" and expect to do exactly what he says, "Okay Mommy, I won't." He shall end up playing with the gentleman sausage all day long and all you are left with is pretty screwed up plumbing. That's just the way it goes.

I realise I may have crossed some kind of line, here. "This boy is talking out off your ass", you might say. Forgive me.

I was so excited about what I was writing here that I decided to conduct a public poll. So, I went up to citizens of Bangalore with the question "Technology for Toddlers : Boon or Bane?"

And the top answer was, "PISS OFF, SON. I'M BUSY."  

Dear TV, How low can you go?

So, I was watching television with my sister an hour ago. A few minutes into watching MasterChef, she flipped through random channels and tossed me the remote. "There's nothing good on TV these days, it's useless.", she complained as she left the room.

I just sat there on my bean bag clutching the remote. "She's right.", I thought. She got me thinking. Tele is shit now, isn't it? I mean, whatever happened to the golden age? 90s television, aye? I honestly think my parents nailed the time of reproduction when they gave birth to me in 1992.

All I did during my childhood was sit around in the living room with my other baby friends, just watching one magnificent show after another.

"Why don't you boys study?", our mothers would yell and we would go "Somebody Stop Mehhh!".

CatDog, Sponge bob, Pokemon, Tom and Jerry, Swat Cats, Courage the Cowardly Dog, Johnny Bravo, Dexter's Lab, oh the joy! I can go on and on. And don't think, 'Hey, this guy is just talking about cartoons.' No! The adverts too, brilliant! I remember the expression on my mum's face when I asked her what whisper was. 'It's a medical bag used to treat diseases, sweetheart.' Fair enough.

Now, I'm laughing.

But hey, I guess I'm just sad. Sad for the kids of today. The shit they have to watch on tele. Have you seen the advert where this guy is driving a car, he suddenly whips out a pair of sunglasses, turns to his wife and goes 'Honey, I'm a Secret Agent' and then, drives like a coke-addled maniac. They believe they are hinting at the outstanding performance of the vehicle. Oh, well.

So, can you really blame people when they say they don't watch television anymore? That is why everyone's on Facebook all the time. Adverts nowadays have literally killed the essence of TV. Think about it. At any given point in time, you switch to a certain channel, chances are you'll find yourself in the middle of an ad. The IPL for instance, they introduced seven and a half minute time-outs to fit ads in. Can you believe that? 'It's a tactical time-out to discuss game stratergies', they said. Yeah right, you mongoloids.

Talking about reality shows, someone please punch me in the gizzards. There are these shows where 4 year olds are put through gruelling training sessions, dance sessions and you put this on their heads. 'You! You are destined to be India's next Dancing Star! Work harder! You're wasting the potential you have!', the judges bark at these sweet little kids making them cry. What could you do when you were four, man? You probably sat in your living room and chewed on furniture. Stop ruining their childhood! What the fuck is wrong with you people? She's 4! Leave her and her Barbie princess the fuck alone, you freaks!

Coming to MasterChef, It's just food, guys. Chill out. Gordon Ramsay, he's a mystical creature, isn't he? How someone can get so angry about dinner is well beyond me. 'There's not enough seasoning in this pizza you've made. Fuck yourself. You shouldn't even be alive.' Have people always been this angry? Food and cooking, they're supposed to be about love, family, friends. But, here they are, these people, this show, it's like 'There's 90 minutes to go. Get those dishes up, now! You're fate hangs in the balance!'.

Also, there's this new show on Star World,  'Love 2 Hate U.' Hahahahaha.

Basically, what it is, it's a reality show where they find people who really hate a celebrity and bring them face to face with that celebrity. The people then express their hate towards the celebrity and the celebrity talks to the hater and explains why he/she does the shit he/she does and somehow makes peace. FASCINATING. (Sarcasm, you poof.) I really don't understand how someone can hate someone so much - the celebrity, somebody you don't even know? I mean, sure, you see an actor on screen and you're not really a fan, you say, "Awh, he's shit." and you walk away. Yeah? Well, that is normal. Would you see the guy on screen, think he's shit but then 'Wait. I have to do something about this. I can't possibly let him get away with this!' ? Do you? 'Cause let me tell you, that is not normal. I checked out the promo where Arjun Rampal, the Bollywood actor meets his hater and goes 'Hey dude, I'm Arjun Rampal. You want to talk about me?'. Why couldn't the hater be a normal person and say 'No dude. I have a life.'?

Aah, screw it. I'm happy now. I just googled 90s Nickelodeon Shows and I found 'Legends of the Hidden Temple'. I'm going to download episodes of that, now.

And now, I'm not really sure why I'm thinking of chocolate. Umm. I love chocolate. When you think of chocolate, you think of something brown.

Hey, if you think of White chocolate first, well then, you're fucking racist.