Dear TV, How low can you go?

So, I was watching television with my sister an hour ago. A few minutes into watching MasterChef, she flipped through random channels and tossed me the remote. "There's nothing good on TV these days, it's useless.", she complained as she left the room.

I just sat there on my bean bag clutching the remote. "She's right.", I thought. She got me thinking. Tele is shit now, isn't it? I mean, whatever happened to the golden age? 90s television, aye? I honestly think my parents nailed the time of reproduction when they gave birth to me in 1992.

All I did during my childhood was sit around in the living room with my other baby friends, just watching one magnificent show after another.

"Why don't you boys study?", our mothers would yell and we would go "Somebody Stop Mehhh!".

CatDog, Sponge bob, Pokemon, Tom and Jerry, Swat Cats, Courage the Cowardly Dog, Johnny Bravo, Dexter's Lab, oh the joy! I can go on and on. And don't think, 'Hey, this guy is just talking about cartoons.' No! The adverts too, brilliant! I remember the expression on my mum's face when I asked her what whisper was. 'It's a medical bag used to treat diseases, sweetheart.' Fair enough.

Now, I'm laughing.

But hey, I guess I'm just sad. Sad for the kids of today. The shit they have to watch on tele. Have you seen the advert where this guy is driving a car, he suddenly whips out a pair of sunglasses, turns to his wife and goes 'Honey, I'm a Secret Agent' and then, drives like a coke-addled maniac. They believe they are hinting at the outstanding performance of the vehicle. Oh, well.

So, can you really blame people when they say they don't watch television anymore? That is why everyone's on Facebook all the time. Adverts nowadays have literally killed the essence of TV. Think about it. At any given point in time, you switch to a certain channel, chances are you'll find yourself in the middle of an ad. The IPL for instance, they introduced seven and a half minute time-outs to fit ads in. Can you believe that? 'It's a tactical time-out to discuss game stratergies', they said. Yeah right, you mongoloids.

Talking about reality shows, someone please punch me in the gizzards. There are these shows where 4 year olds are put through gruelling training sessions, dance sessions and you put this on their heads. 'You! You are destined to be India's next Dancing Star! Work harder! You're wasting the potential you have!', the judges bark at these sweet little kids making them cry. What could you do when you were four, man? You probably sat in your living room and chewed on furniture. Stop ruining their childhood! What the fuck is wrong with you people? She's 4! Leave her and her Barbie princess the fuck alone, you freaks!

Coming to MasterChef, It's just food, guys. Chill out. Gordon Ramsay, he's a mystical creature, isn't he? How someone can get so angry about dinner is well beyond me. 'There's not enough seasoning in this pizza you've made. Fuck yourself. You shouldn't even be alive.' Have people always been this angry? Food and cooking, they're supposed to be about love, family, friends. But, here they are, these people, this show, it's like 'There's 90 minutes to go. Get those dishes up, now! You're fate hangs in the balance!'.

Also, there's this new show on Star World,  'Love 2 Hate U.' Hahahahaha.

Basically, what it is, it's a reality show where they find people who really hate a celebrity and bring them face to face with that celebrity. The people then express their hate towards the celebrity and the celebrity talks to the hater and explains why he/she does the shit he/she does and somehow makes peace. FASCINATING. (Sarcasm, you poof.) I really don't understand how someone can hate someone so much - the celebrity, somebody you don't even know? I mean, sure, you see an actor on screen and you're not really a fan, you say, "Awh, he's shit." and you walk away. Yeah? Well, that is normal. Would you see the guy on screen, think he's shit but then 'Wait. I have to do something about this. I can't possibly let him get away with this!' ? Do you? 'Cause let me tell you, that is not normal. I checked out the promo where Arjun Rampal, the Bollywood actor meets his hater and goes 'Hey dude, I'm Arjun Rampal. You want to talk about me?'. Why couldn't the hater be a normal person and say 'No dude. I have a life.'?

Aah, screw it. I'm happy now. I just googled 90s Nickelodeon Shows and I found 'Legends of the Hidden Temple'. I'm going to download episodes of that, now.

And now, I'm not really sure why I'm thinking of chocolate. Umm. I love chocolate. When you think of chocolate, you think of something brown.

Hey, if you think of White chocolate first, well then, you're fucking racist.

I took her to the movies.

Sunday. Time: 10am. Venue: Cinepolis.

I stood in the ticket line behind an old couple who looked like they had just returned from USA after visiting their son/daughter who just had a son/daughter. I noticed how the old man wore baggy shorts and said to the granny, "Latha, hand me the cookie, will you?". Otherwise, he would have said "Latha! Biscuit, give!"

"Two tickets to Inception, please", I said through the mic at the counter. Why do they put a mic there? It's like barely 5 ft between me and the woman at the counter. 

"I'll give you these two seats at the back", she smiled sheepish-ly pointed towards her screen, "That'll be 400 bucks."

Screw me. For 400, me and the boys could have watched a movie at a local cinema, ate a shitload of different shit at the same cinema and probably even gone bowling!

"We're just friends.", I said as I handed over the money.

Why did I just say that to the ticket counter lady?

So, Neha and I approached the security check contraptions. The security woman led Neha to an enclosure where her bag and other stuff would be checked. She flashed me a cute smile and went inside. I always hate how they have these enclosures for women and nothing for guys. Basically, what you're saying is, it is totally okay to molest guys in public.

"What is the screen number?", she asked me as we entered the snack-shack areas. 

"Uh, hold on.", I said reaching into my pockets, "Screen 4. Do you want anything?"

"No, we'll eat later. Come on, let's go."

We occupied our seats, G 14 G15 and I don't what it is, but we always have a discussion at length about how comfortable the seats are. She's like "Oooh look, so comfy! This is so soft, oooh this slides back. Aaah, a cup-holder!". Did you just recently move to civilization, cave-woman? 

Now, we're sitting there, waiting for the multi-media experience to begin. But, it doesn't begin right away. Oh no. Vico-Vajradanti, my friends. I wonder why they never play those adverts on TV anymore but they still rule cinema ad-space. "Vico Tumeric, nahi cosmetic! Vico Tumeric ayurvedic cream", I started mock singing as she went "Shsssh! You're embarrassing, pah" and giggled.

Then came the promos. You love the promos, man. Everyone loves the promos. No matter what horrible movie it is, all movies have great promos. That is how they do it. And you love them because it's like suddenly you feel you're a movie critic. You seem to analyze the whole movie in under 2 minutes and you say, "I want to see that, next time." 

So, after at least eight promos, the movie began preceded by the Film Certificate. A guy walked past us with a huge tray of food and Neha turned to me out of no-where and said, "I'm thinking I want something to eat."

"Oh, uh..I asked you like 10 minutes ago and you said you weren't hungry."

"That was 10 minutes ago, now I'm hungry." Magic. Here, guys try to be gentlemen and say "I'll go get it, you stay here." So I'm like, "What do you want?".

She swayed her arms around, wobbled her pretty little head for five minutes and sighed, "What do they have?". 

They've got a French Blanquette de veau, deep fried Foie gras and a bottle of 1944 Anna Maria champagne. What do you think they have out there? They have the same bullshit since Multiplexes opened in India - Popcorn, Pepsi and Nachos.

But a girl's never going to say "Get me a small bucket of popcorn, I won't be able to eat the whole thing, anyway." 

"Okay, Pepsi. Tell them not to add ice in the Pepsi, it hurts my teeth. Some nachos, crispy ones. And a large bucket of popcorn. Ooh, let it be extra butter but not too much butter.", she said.

I stared at her.

"That's enough, right? Is that too much?", she asked, sensing I don't know what.

"No problem, be right back", I said as I left but what I really thought was "I wish a truck would run over me right now so that I get compensation money to pay for all this."

I got back with my huge tray of "down-to-the-last-detail" food and suddenly I can't remember where my seat is. It's dark not only because my movie is going on but it's night time in the movie as well. So, I'm just standing there like a vendor, scared and alone. There was this uncle who's view I blocked trying to locate my seat. "Move pah! Ayyyy!", he shouted. I moved towards the wall on the side. I'm angry, having to miss the movie and also getting cussed off by this uncle who's pretending he understands what's exactly going on. Dream in a dream in a dream, my ass. 

I suddenly remembered the ticket counter lady saying "These two tickets at the back." Of course! Now, I remember! I ran to the upper end of the theatre and saw Neha watching the movie intently.

 Isn't it weird how you have to do that thing where you pass by people sideways? Like, "Uhm sorry...uh sorry..excuse me, excuse"..you stamp an innocent woman's foot.."sorry..sorry". Damn it, whooop, I made it. I'm back! 

"You took long", she smiled. "Yeah, sorry", I said, "Take the pop-corn." I was interrupted by a "Shssssh!" let out a middle aged man who wanted me to just shut the hell up and take a frikkin' seat. What is it with these people? 

Dream inside a dream madness lasted for another hour and the movie finally ended. We waited for the people in a hurry to exit the theatre, first. Them lunatics rush out as if it were a frikkin' revolution.

The exit lead to the food court, of course. "I have to use the restroom. I'll be out in a minute.", Neha said and went in. I made a quick wee-stop in the men's room and waited...and waited....and waited.

20 minutes later, she emerged out of the rest-room, looking prettier than ever. Because here's the thing. When guys go to the toilet, we normally have one goal - Urination. With girls, it is never urination and out. Far from it. They turn it into the beauty salon and what not. If it's a bunch of girls, there would be a photo studio established in the loo, as well.

We sat at a table in the food court. I wasn't really hungry because she ate only 5% of the popcorn and I finished the rest of it because it was my frikkin' money. 

"What do you want?", I said.

She swayed her arms around, wobbled her pretty little head for five minutes and sighed, "What do they have?"

Aw, crap. Here we go, again.....

Who are Girls?

For the first few years of my life, I didn't really know anything about girls at all. I remember wondering why Mom looked different than Dad, why they wore different outfits. I remember over-hearing older guys in school talking about how they had seen naked pictures of girls in books and on the Internet. Girls also seemed to be the topic of almost all movies I watched. I wondered why songs always praised a girl. So, at the age of 10, I concluded that girls were a mysterious kind of people who men were obsessed with and would someday do stuff to me that people do in English movies.

When I got older, say when I was 13, I realised girls had different body parts than I did. I was angry at girls because they did not have to cut their hair while my Dad took me to "Barber Uncle" who scared me. I wondered why girls were always polite and sweet while guys shouted a lot. I was shocked when I first saw a guy kiss a girl on TV and I remember Dad telling me "It's just TV, son. Not real life." I wasn't really sure because I had learnt by now that guys and girls are not the same and they can do stuff to each other that guys cannot do to each other but I believed him anyway.

I was still really confused about girls. I liked them but I did not know how to talk to them. I asked my parents and they said that mine was not the age to think about girls and I should just study and get good grades.

I think I had my first real date when I was about 14. There was this girl in class I really liked and I invited over to my place to play Snake and Ladder. I tried my best to impress her by showing her how fast I rode a bike on Road Rash and I also let her win the snake and ladder game because I didn't want her to feel like a total loser. 

When I was about 16, I started hanging out with girls a lot more and I thought I had understood girls to a certain extent, now. I discovered that girls were the same as guys except for the fact that they were insanely sensitive, they cried a lot and they always cared about how pretty they look. I wondered why girls almost never played the sports I would play. I noticed they always carried around a tiny purse that contained lipsticks, eye-liners, lip-gloss and miniature mirrors. I noticed girls laughed a lot at all my jokes and how they mildly punched me on the shoulder when I made fun of them. On the contrary, guys would punch me in the face when I made fun of them, especially if I made fun of them in front of girls.

I'm 18 now and I see a lot of my friends in relationships with girls. I wonder why girls go "eeeeeeeee" when they're excited. It amuses me how girls just can't stop bitching about other girls, how much money they spend on designer wear and cosmetics, how they spend a thousand bucks or more to get their hair done whereas I get my hair cut by the same "Barber Uncle" in under 15 minutes for 50 bucks. It amuses me how they find painting each other nails fun, how they plan for a week to go clubbing, how they take pictures of themselves everywhere they go, how they manage to look so beautiful all the time. I think I've learnt quite a few things about these mysterious creatures in my 18 years. Girls never cease to amaze me.

Although, what fascinates girls to take pictures of themselves in the loo, I will never know. 

What is so intriguing about a toilet?

My First Phone!

The year was 2007. I was a 15 year old wee boy.

Personally, I loved this period of time. I had just finished my 9th grade. I recall I had secured an 80% or whatever. Doesn't matter, I passed.

I had a solid three months of summer vacations before the highly over-rated 10th grade begun.

"Maybe, I should find a dodo bird, paint a continent or drive my sister insane", I thought to myself.

Three months is a lot of time to waste. It doesn't help when you are the only one amongst your friends without a phone, either. Have you seen those snobby six year olds with cellphones these days? Who are they going to call? Popeye?

I begged my parents for a phone, day in and day out. "You should be ashamed! You got 80% and you want a phone?", they said. I hung my head low. Not that I was ashamed or anything, it's what you do when someone is screwing you.

Yes, as far as Indian parents are concerned,  if you've scored anything under 95%, you should just go f*ck yourself, you dipshit.

I made my grandpa talk to my parents. He's a rockstar, a 5 year old trapped in a 73 year old body. 

Grandpa sat infront of my parents and I stood infront of them. I'm a reasonable person, so I explained.

1. A phone is a necessity in today's competitive world, not a luxury. 

2. Avoids un-necessary tension concerning the whereabouts of your child.

3. Preferably a GPS phone. Your dear boy won't get lost on his way to school, a temple of learning.

4. A mobile phone has games on it. This feature enables your child to take breaks from marathon study sessions, thus, improving examination results.

5. A cellular phone also has features like clock and stopwatch. This way, your dear boy can plan and schedule his study sessions better.

6. All my friends have cellphones. So, please! (Only valid point)

My flawless presentation worked, along with a little help from Gramps. So, the following weekend, I was off to buy my first phone ever!

Budget was six thousand bucks. So, I guess features like Wifi, 10 MP camera and other cool shit were out of question. I had done my research.

I couldn't hold in my excitement as we entered "UniverCell - The Mobile Expert", a mobile store that claimed they had it all. I saw Madhavan, the 3 Idiots actor, on their advert board. He had a swanky new phone in his hand and a huge grin on his face. "I'm going to have one of those when I get out of there", I smiled back at him as I went inside.

"Hello, welcome to UniverCell.", the sales guy greeted us. 

"Yes, we would like to buy a phone.", Dad said.

A phone? At UniverCell? Really?

"Do you have any phone in mind, sir?"

"Cheap and best", Mom declared, bluntly.

"Would you like to see the Nokia 1100, madam?", he said looking disappointed.

What the f*ck!

"Mom, no! Come on, it's black and white, no, please!", I did not want a frikkin 1100!

I bet the guy thought, "Don't do this to him, or us."

"Okay, what do you want?", Mom sounded irritated, "You never listen to me, anyway."

"Can I see the W890? Ericsson."

"What all does it have?", Mom butted in.

The sales guy explained as Mom nodded once in three seconds. She didn't understand a word, though. Both my parents are specialist doctors, but when it comes to technology and stuff, they do not get it for nuts!

"So, Dad?", I asked.

"I don't know, see other ones also."

"Could I see the Nokia 5310 Xpress Music?"

It was clear to me that it was the best phone I could have, you know, with my budget. I duly switched over to pleading mode.

"Mom, please? Dad, please?", I pleaded.

After making the guy explain the specifications and warranty terms repeatedly, my parents exchanged glances and agreed. Anyhoo, we could not leave the store before getting what all Indians get. Yes, discount.

Mom, an expert at converting a "Fixed rate" statement into an "Okay, 15%" statement in under five minutes, took over. She got a mad 20% discount on my phone using her sublime skills which included statements like "We have bought all our phones here. So, you should give us a discount on this one" and "Okay, come Adi. Let's go to another store (followed by a sigh)". Yes, all Indian aunties are adept at this. 

We Indians do not find it unreasonable because, come on, we are cheap. It's in our blood to be cheap. I know you are cheap. Hell, you know you are cheap! I'm cheap too. I'm just shy to ask for a discount, though.

Anyway, screw it. My first phone, a Nokia 5310 Xpress Music! I had it! Finally! Wooohooo! 

"Wait till my friends see this", I thought to myself. Yeah, 'cause that's the bubble we live in.

I got into the backseat of our car. "This is bloody brilliant!", I declared.

"Hey, watch your mouth! Already started messaging your friends, ah?", Mom asked.

"Sure thing, mom.", I said, "Without a sim card?"

Dude, you're not in love!

My buddy, Nikhil, got dumped last week. He'd been with the girl for at least six months now. With all the constant fights, arguements and all, it was like they were a pissed off old couple who never got the 50th wedding anniversary party they never deserved.

He had not talked to people in the last 7 days.

"I love her, bro." he had said. Bullshit.

There's a difference between love and infatuation. You can't force someone to love you. Corollary - You can't force yourself to love someone. And let's face it, guys my age do not know what true love is. We're just infatuated because that is what happens at this age. I completely understand because I've been with enough women to know what I'm talking about. Someday, I'll be in love too. Someday, the violins will play. Someday.

4pm. BMS College of Engineering, Basavangudi, Bangalore.
I've always been the worst at consoling people. And it was extremely weird to see Nikhil crying in front of me.

"Dude, it's okay., I said, "These things happen."

"She was my everything!", he continued.

"Quit crying! You'll find someone else. Someone better."


He nodded. He didn't know what to say.

"Tell you what, let's go partying tonight! You've got the world's second best wing-man, aye?" I smiled.

Nikhil hugged me. After brief seconds of our brotherly love, I realised the gayness and pushed him away.

"Thanks a lot, bro!", he started smiling.

"Now take off your frock and end this little kitty party, let's go.", I said.

"Asshole. Where to?"

"The best way to get over your ex is to get under your next. An elderly woman on facebook taught me well.", I winked.

"You're mental, you know that?", he said, getting into the car.


8pm. Amnesia, The Chancery Pavilion, Residency Road, Bangalore.

I drove up to the hotel entrance and came to a stop when I saw the long moustache greeter. I waited for valet parking as he came up to us, smiled and said, "For parking, go straight and turn left, sir." Damn it. At least he said Sir.

We walked in to Amnesia, a pool-side party place in central Bangalore and saw a sea of women. Well there were quite a few fellas too but there were women! Nikhil wore a black sweatshirt and one of those funny looking trousers as he waited for the evening to change his life. I wore jeans with my "Hand over the chocolate and nobody gets hurt" T shirt. This night was important for me too. I hadn't had a date since Wednesday.

We struggled to make it to the bar counter as Nikhil blamed it on India's population explosion problem. "Tuborg, please", he said as I got myself a glass of Sprite. Yeah, I don't drink.

"Okay, so what's the plan?", he asked as the DJ played "Save the World" by Swedish House Mafia. I've always loved that one. Have you seen the dogs in the music video? They're so cute.

"Follow my lead", I announced as I scanned various sections of girls.

We started moving towards the pool when I accidentally collided with a girl.

"I'm so sorry", I apologised.

"Hey, it's okay", she smiled, "I'm Divya."

"Aditya.", I said as I observed she had abnormally large mammary glands. I'm not saying they were big, they were gigantic! I wanted to gift her a "Weapons of Mass Destruction" T shirt.

"Uh. This is Nikhil", I said pointing my finger towards him. "Hi Nikhil. Anyway, Aditya, what's up?", she said as she made him look like my minion.

"I'm good. How are you?", I asked. She looked like she would molest me any moment. Not that I would realise what was going on when I would be trampled upon by the massive twins.

"I'm great. You wanna hang out?", she grinned, "Nice T shirt".

"Thank you. Actually I've to go meet my friends now. But, I will see you later. Divya, right?", I started walking away.

"Dude, what the hell?", Nikhil laughed, "How big were those?"

"Shut up man!"

"Seriously! I wonder why she even bothered to use her hands to hold her drink, dude. She could just use...",

"I got it!",I interrupted his joke, "Do you want to talk to girls or not?"

"Of course! That is why we came here, remember?", he said.

"So work with me here", I said as I showed him different girls like a frikkin' wedding broker. We used the 6o clock, 3 o clock method.

He refused each and every girl dismissing them saying they were 5s, 6s or 7s.

"Dude, I'm a 7! So, I should get at least a 9!", he argued.

"Whoa! You're a 7? What am I?"

"You're an 8. Probably a 9." He was being nice today?

"Screw you, man.", I said as I turned to watch the water.

"There.", I said as I saw two gorgeous women standing by the pool. They wore beautiful dresses and stood there clutching their drinks in one hand and the world's smallest purses in the other, giggling away to glory. I really do not understand what one could possibly carry in those things.

"Ah, they're pretty", he said.

"Yeah, come on."

So, we walked up to them. "Hi! How's it going? I'm Aditya.", I smiled, extending my hand.

The one standing nearer to me shook my hand. "Hi! I'm Pooja! And this is Naina", she introduced her lovely friend. Naina waved at me and I waved back. "I'm Nikhil", he said as he shook Naina's hand.

Yes. In my experience, I can honestly say that "Hi" is the best pick-up line in the world. So, "Hey, I'm a thief and I'm here to steal your heart" and "Is your Dad a terrorist because you are a bomb" can kiss my ass.

We occupied a pool-side table, the four of us.  Nikhil spilled his drink on his shirt and Naina found it oddly cute. I think she liked him. She talked so much. But then again, all women do.

"So, Pooja. What do you do?", I asked as I didn't want to bother Naina. Finally, a girl was talking to my buddy.

"I study B.com at Christ University", she said as she played with her wavy hair, "What about you?"

"Electronics engineering. BMS.", I said.

"Ooooh, nice!", she touched my hand. Whoa.

We spent an hour talking. I made the girls laugh when they would take breaks from their non stop talking and Nikhil managed to hang in too.

The night was going great. We got up to have dinner. I helped Pooja up from her chair as we moved towards the buffet. Nikhil tried to do the same and in the process, he accidentally knocked her into the swimming pool.   I stood there with Pooja and 50 other people, looking at Nikhil. The look on his face was bloody priceless! He stood there shocked as poor Naina wiggled about in the pool before finally emerging out dripping wet!

Needless to say, she was super pissed as she stomped Nikhil's foot with her heels and scurried away as fast as she could. "Aaah!", he screamed as people continued laughing their balls off.

Pooja realised her friend needed her and followed Naina. "Call me later?", she said as she left.

"Sure", I said as I hit Nikhil on the head. I couldn't stop laughing either.

"Well, that went well.", he complained as we got into the car.

"Chill, bro", I said driving off into the night, "It's not like they're going to stop making girls."

I'm just shy.

A lot of times, being shy is mistaken for being cocky, being arrogant and being a dick.

I used to be a shy guy. But, I did not know that put people off. I did not know that they felt I was an arrogant prick. Now that I have and sort of corrected the whole situation, I want to talk to you.

Ladies, I don't really understand what problems you have. You know, Estrogen and stuff. So, let me talk to the fellas. I was called arrogant for years behind my back by all kinds of people. Distant relatives and cousins, friends I met not-so-frequently..This is a problem. You've got to set it straight.

Listen guys, I'm no Agony Aunt. I'm not writing advice columns here. I just want to help. 

Say you've just got into college. You've got a solid four years! Hot women everywhere! So, being shy gets you nowhere! Trust me, no girl is going to say "Awh, look at that guy, he's so shy, let me go talk to him." unless your shy and sit by yourself in your Gallardo or something. In which case, you can push your meat into any homo sapien you want. 

So, you're not doing yourself any favours by being an introvert. 

I'm so glad I found out what people said behind my back. I decided I'm going to work on it. I had a little chat with myself. I'm this crazy, funny bastard amongst my friends, right? I could try and be the same with other people, right? 'Hallelujah, asshole!", my mind replied.

Then on, I made constant efforts to improve my social life and I have to say, It changed my life.

I started going up to random girls at parties, you know, as dares. I started hanging out with people I would otherwise just smile at and walk away. 

Now, life's kickass! I can easily be myself around anyone. Any girl I meet, any girl I date, I'm my usual retarded self and people really like that. Most people don't bitch about me anymore and some still do. Bitches.

I sound like on of those Infomercial advert guys huh? I bought this amazing Sauna Slim Belt, LOOK AT ME NOW! Hahahaha NO!

 Most importantly, I have fun! To me, that's how you measure a person's life. How much fun you had.

So, there you go. I don't know how much this helps. I was just talking about whats happened with myself. But, if atleast one shy clueless bugger reads this and makes amends, I couldn't ask for more. Cheers.

So, screw Marie-Louise von Franz! Shyness is not equal to Arrogance. 

We just didn't know it.

Oh and by the way, in this blog I didn't mean to talk only about shyness and ladies. Damn it. Excuse me, excuse my age. 

10 FUN THINGS TO DO IN CLASS

Okay, so you're in class and let's face it, you don't understand shit.

Let's have some fun then.

1. Swat imaginary flies.

2. Stand up in the middle of the lecture and yell "EVERYBODY GET DOWN!!!"

3. Get your friends to stand up with you and start yodelling.

4. Ask the teacher what her occupation is.

5. When the teacher says "That's it for today", sprint out.

6. Stare at the wall and say "Hey, how's it going?"

7. Get atleast 20 classmates together and perform a mexican wave.

8. Get on your cellphone, stare at the teacher and say "Target acquired on suspect!"

9. Go up to the teacher, kneel down and start saying, "Rimpoche! Rimpooche!" (ref: Buddhist CFL Advert)

10. Crack open your bagpack, peer inside and say, "No, it's not time to come out yet, Scruffy!"