I took her to the movies.

Sunday. Time: 10am. Venue: Cinepolis.

I stood in the ticket line behind an old couple who looked like they had just returned from USA after visiting their son/daughter who just had a son/daughter. I noticed how the old man wore baggy shorts and said to the granny, "Latha, hand me the cookie, will you?". Otherwise, he would have said "Latha! Biscuit, give!"

"Two tickets to Inception, please", I said through the mic at the counter. Why do they put a mic there? It's like barely 5 ft between me and the woman at the counter. 

"I'll give you these two seats at the back", she smiled sheepish-ly pointed towards her screen, "That'll be 400 bucks."

Screw me. For 400, me and the boys could have watched a movie at a local cinema, ate a shitload of different shit at the same cinema and probably even gone bowling!

"We're just friends.", I said as I handed over the money.

Why did I just say that to the ticket counter lady?

So, Neha and I approached the security check contraptions. The security woman led Neha to an enclosure where her bag and other stuff would be checked. She flashed me a cute smile and went inside. I always hate how they have these enclosures for women and nothing for guys. Basically, what you're saying is, it is totally okay to molest guys in public.

"What is the screen number?", she asked me as we entered the snack-shack areas. 

"Uh, hold on.", I said reaching into my pockets, "Screen 4. Do you want anything?"

"No, we'll eat later. Come on, let's go."

We occupied our seats, G 14 G15 and I don't what it is, but we always have a discussion at length about how comfortable the seats are. She's like "Oooh look, so comfy! This is so soft, oooh this slides back. Aaah, a cup-holder!". Did you just recently move to civilization, cave-woman? 

Now, we're sitting there, waiting for the multi-media experience to begin. But, it doesn't begin right away. Oh no. Vico-Vajradanti, my friends. I wonder why they never play those adverts on TV anymore but they still rule cinema ad-space. "Vico Tumeric, nahi cosmetic! Vico Tumeric ayurvedic cream", I started mock singing as she went "Shsssh! You're embarrassing, pah" and giggled.

Then came the promos. You love the promos, man. Everyone loves the promos. No matter what horrible movie it is, all movies have great promos. That is how they do it. And you love them because it's like suddenly you feel you're a movie critic. You seem to analyze the whole movie in under 2 minutes and you say, "I want to see that, next time." 

So, after at least eight promos, the movie began preceded by the Film Certificate. A guy walked past us with a huge tray of food and Neha turned to me out of no-where and said, "I'm thinking I want something to eat."

"Oh, uh..I asked you like 10 minutes ago and you said you weren't hungry."

"That was 10 minutes ago, now I'm hungry." Magic. Here, guys try to be gentlemen and say "I'll go get it, you stay here." So I'm like, "What do you want?".

She swayed her arms around, wobbled her pretty little head for five minutes and sighed, "What do they have?". 

They've got a French Blanquette de veau, deep fried Foie gras and a bottle of 1944 Anna Maria champagne. What do you think they have out there? They have the same bullshit since Multiplexes opened in India - Popcorn, Pepsi and Nachos.

But a girl's never going to say "Get me a small bucket of popcorn, I won't be able to eat the whole thing, anyway." 

"Okay, Pepsi. Tell them not to add ice in the Pepsi, it hurts my teeth. Some nachos, crispy ones. And a large bucket of popcorn. Ooh, let it be extra butter but not too much butter.", she said.

I stared at her.

"That's enough, right? Is that too much?", she asked, sensing I don't know what.

"No problem, be right back", I said as I left but what I really thought was "I wish a truck would run over me right now so that I get compensation money to pay for all this."

I got back with my huge tray of "down-to-the-last-detail" food and suddenly I can't remember where my seat is. It's dark not only because my movie is going on but it's night time in the movie as well. So, I'm just standing there like a vendor, scared and alone. There was this uncle who's view I blocked trying to locate my seat. "Move pah! Ayyyy!", he shouted. I moved towards the wall on the side. I'm angry, having to miss the movie and also getting cussed off by this uncle who's pretending he understands what's exactly going on. Dream in a dream in a dream, my ass. 

I suddenly remembered the ticket counter lady saying "These two tickets at the back." Of course! Now, I remember! I ran to the upper end of the theatre and saw Neha watching the movie intently.

 Isn't it weird how you have to do that thing where you pass by people sideways? Like, "Uhm sorry...uh sorry..excuse me, excuse"..you stamp an innocent woman's foot.."sorry..sorry". Damn it, whooop, I made it. I'm back! 

"You took long", she smiled. "Yeah, sorry", I said, "Take the pop-corn." I was interrupted by a "Shssssh!" let out a middle aged man who wanted me to just shut the hell up and take a frikkin' seat. What is it with these people? 

Dream inside a dream madness lasted for another hour and the movie finally ended. We waited for the people in a hurry to exit the theatre, first. Them lunatics rush out as if it were a frikkin' revolution.

The exit lead to the food court, of course. "I have to use the restroom. I'll be out in a minute.", Neha said and went in. I made a quick wee-stop in the men's room and waited...and waited....and waited.

20 minutes later, she emerged out of the rest-room, looking prettier than ever. Because here's the thing. When guys go to the toilet, we normally have one goal - Urination. With girls, it is never urination and out. Far from it. They turn it into the beauty salon and what not. If it's a bunch of girls, there would be a photo studio established in the loo, as well.

We sat at a table in the food court. I wasn't really hungry because she ate only 5% of the popcorn and I finished the rest of it because it was my frikkin' money. 

"What do you want?", I said.

She swayed her arms around, wobbled her pretty little head for five minutes and sighed, "What do they have?"

Aw, crap. Here we go, again.....

Who are Girls?

For the first few years of my life, I didn't really know anything about girls at all. I remember wondering why Mom looked different than Dad, why they wore different outfits. I remember over-hearing older guys in school talking about how they had seen naked pictures of girls in books and on the Internet. Girls also seemed to be the topic of almost all movies I watched. I wondered why songs always praised a girl. So, at the age of 10, I concluded that girls were a mysterious kind of people who men were obsessed with and would someday do stuff to me that people do in English movies.

When I got older, say when I was 13, I realised girls had different body parts than I did. I was angry at girls because they did not have to cut their hair while my Dad took me to "Barber Uncle" who scared me. I wondered why girls were always polite and sweet while guys shouted a lot. I was shocked when I first saw a guy kiss a girl on TV and I remember Dad telling me "It's just TV, son. Not real life." I wasn't really sure because I had learnt by now that guys and girls are not the same and they can do stuff to each other that guys cannot do to each other but I believed him anyway.

I was still really confused about girls. I liked them but I did not know how to talk to them. I asked my parents and they said that mine was not the age to think about girls and I should just study and get good grades.

I think I had my first real date when I was about 14. There was this girl in class I really liked and I invited over to my place to play Snake and Ladder. I tried my best to impress her by showing her how fast I rode a bike on Road Rash and I also let her win the snake and ladder game because I didn't want her to feel like a total loser. 

When I was about 16, I started hanging out with girls a lot more and I thought I had understood girls to a certain extent, now. I discovered that girls were the same as guys except for the fact that they were insanely sensitive, they cried a lot and they always cared about how pretty they look. I wondered why girls almost never played the sports I would play. I noticed they always carried around a tiny purse that contained lipsticks, eye-liners, lip-gloss and miniature mirrors. I noticed girls laughed a lot at all my jokes and how they mildly punched me on the shoulder when I made fun of them. On the contrary, guys would punch me in the face when I made fun of them, especially if I made fun of them in front of girls.

I'm 18 now and I see a lot of my friends in relationships with girls. I wonder why girls go "eeeeeeeee" when they're excited. It amuses me how girls just can't stop bitching about other girls, how much money they spend on designer wear and cosmetics, how they spend a thousand bucks or more to get their hair done whereas I get my hair cut by the same "Barber Uncle" in under 15 minutes for 50 bucks. It amuses me how they find painting each other nails fun, how they plan for a week to go clubbing, how they take pictures of themselves everywhere they go, how they manage to look so beautiful all the time. I think I've learnt quite a few things about these mysterious creatures in my 18 years. Girls never cease to amaze me.

Although, what fascinates girls to take pictures of themselves in the loo, I will never know. 

What is so intriguing about a toilet?