My First Phone!

The year was 2007. I was a 15 year old wee boy.

Personally, I loved this period of time. I had just finished my 9th grade. I recall I had secured an 80% or whatever. Doesn't matter, I passed.

I had a solid three months of summer vacations before the highly over-rated 10th grade begun.

"Maybe, I should find a dodo bird, paint a continent or drive my sister insane", I thought to myself.

Three months is a lot of time to waste. It doesn't help when you are the only one amongst your friends without a phone, either. Have you seen those snobby six year olds with cellphones these days? Who are they going to call? Popeye?

I begged my parents for a phone, day in and day out. "You should be ashamed! You got 80% and you want a phone?", they said. I hung my head low. Not that I was ashamed or anything, it's what you do when someone is screwing you.

Yes, as far as Indian parents are concerned,  if you've scored anything under 95%, you should just go f*ck yourself, you dipshit.

I made my grandpa talk to my parents. He's a rockstar, a 5 year old trapped in a 73 year old body. 

Grandpa sat infront of my parents and I stood infront of them. I'm a reasonable person, so I explained.

1. A phone is a necessity in today's competitive world, not a luxury. 

2. Avoids un-necessary tension concerning the whereabouts of your child.

3. Preferably a GPS phone. Your dear boy won't get lost on his way to school, a temple of learning.

4. A mobile phone has games on it. This feature enables your child to take breaks from marathon study sessions, thus, improving examination results.

5. A cellular phone also has features like clock and stopwatch. This way, your dear boy can plan and schedule his study sessions better.

6. All my friends have cellphones. So, please! (Only valid point)

My flawless presentation worked, along with a little help from Gramps. So, the following weekend, I was off to buy my first phone ever!

Budget was six thousand bucks. So, I guess features like Wifi, 10 MP camera and other cool shit were out of question. I had done my research.

I couldn't hold in my excitement as we entered "UniverCell - The Mobile Expert", a mobile store that claimed they had it all. I saw Madhavan, the 3 Idiots actor, on their advert board. He had a swanky new phone in his hand and a huge grin on his face. "I'm going to have one of those when I get out of there", I smiled back at him as I went inside.

"Hello, welcome to UniverCell.", the sales guy greeted us. 

"Yes, we would like to buy a phone.", Dad said.

A phone? At UniverCell? Really?

"Do you have any phone in mind, sir?"

"Cheap and best", Mom declared, bluntly.

"Would you like to see the Nokia 1100, madam?", he said looking disappointed.

What the f*ck!

"Mom, no! Come on, it's black and white, no, please!", I did not want a frikkin 1100!

I bet the guy thought, "Don't do this to him, or us."

"Okay, what do you want?", Mom sounded irritated, "You never listen to me, anyway."

"Can I see the W890? Ericsson."

"What all does it have?", Mom butted in.

The sales guy explained as Mom nodded once in three seconds. She didn't understand a word, though. Both my parents are specialist doctors, but when it comes to technology and stuff, they do not get it for nuts!

"So, Dad?", I asked.

"I don't know, see other ones also."

"Could I see the Nokia 5310 Xpress Music?"

It was clear to me that it was the best phone I could have, you know, with my budget. I duly switched over to pleading mode.

"Mom, please? Dad, please?", I pleaded.

After making the guy explain the specifications and warranty terms repeatedly, my parents exchanged glances and agreed. Anyhoo, we could not leave the store before getting what all Indians get. Yes, discount.

Mom, an expert at converting a "Fixed rate" statement into an "Okay, 15%" statement in under five minutes, took over. She got a mad 20% discount on my phone using her sublime skills which included statements like "We have bought all our phones here. So, you should give us a discount on this one" and "Okay, come Adi. Let's go to another store (followed by a sigh)". Yes, all Indian aunties are adept at this. 

We Indians do not find it unreasonable because, come on, we are cheap. It's in our blood to be cheap. I know you are cheap. Hell, you know you are cheap! I'm cheap too. I'm just shy to ask for a discount, though.

Anyway, screw it. My first phone, a Nokia 5310 Xpress Music! I had it! Finally! Wooohooo! 

"Wait till my friends see this", I thought to myself. Yeah, 'cause that's the bubble we live in.

I got into the backseat of our car. "This is bloody brilliant!", I declared.

"Hey, watch your mouth! Already started messaging your friends, ah?", Mom asked.

"Sure thing, mom.", I said, "Without a sim card?"

Dude, you're not in love!

My buddy, Nikhil, got dumped last week. He'd been with the girl for at least six months now. With all the constant fights, arguements and all, it was like they were a pissed off old couple who never got the 50th wedding anniversary party they never deserved.

He had not talked to people in the last 7 days.

"I love her, bro." he had said. Bullshit.

There's a difference between love and infatuation. You can't force someone to love you. Corollary - You can't force yourself to love someone. And let's face it, guys my age do not know what true love is. We're just infatuated because that is what happens at this age. I completely understand because I've been with enough women to know what I'm talking about. Someday, I'll be in love too. Someday, the violins will play. Someday.

4pm. BMS College of Engineering, Basavangudi, Bangalore.
I've always been the worst at consoling people. And it was extremely weird to see Nikhil crying in front of me.

"Dude, it's okay., I said, "These things happen."

"She was my everything!", he continued.

"Quit crying! You'll find someone else. Someone better."


He nodded. He didn't know what to say.

"Tell you what, let's go partying tonight! You've got the world's second best wing-man, aye?" I smiled.

Nikhil hugged me. After brief seconds of our brotherly love, I realised the gayness and pushed him away.

"Thanks a lot, bro!", he started smiling.

"Now take off your frock and end this little kitty party, let's go.", I said.

"Asshole. Where to?"

"The best way to get over your ex is to get under your next. An elderly woman on facebook taught me well.", I winked.

"You're mental, you know that?", he said, getting into the car.


8pm. Amnesia, The Chancery Pavilion, Residency Road, Bangalore.

I drove up to the hotel entrance and came to a stop when I saw the long moustache greeter. I waited for valet parking as he came up to us, smiled and said, "For parking, go straight and turn left, sir." Damn it. At least he said Sir.

We walked in to Amnesia, a pool-side party place in central Bangalore and saw a sea of women. Well there were quite a few fellas too but there were women! Nikhil wore a black sweatshirt and one of those funny looking trousers as he waited for the evening to change his life. I wore jeans with my "Hand over the chocolate and nobody gets hurt" T shirt. This night was important for me too. I hadn't had a date since Wednesday.

We struggled to make it to the bar counter as Nikhil blamed it on India's population explosion problem. "Tuborg, please", he said as I got myself a glass of Sprite. Yeah, I don't drink.

"Okay, so what's the plan?", he asked as the DJ played "Save the World" by Swedish House Mafia. I've always loved that one. Have you seen the dogs in the music video? They're so cute.

"Follow my lead", I announced as I scanned various sections of girls.

We started moving towards the pool when I accidentally collided with a girl.

"I'm so sorry", I apologised.

"Hey, it's okay", she smiled, "I'm Divya."

"Aditya.", I said as I observed she had abnormally large mammary glands. I'm not saying they were big, they were gigantic! I wanted to gift her a "Weapons of Mass Destruction" T shirt.

"Uh. This is Nikhil", I said pointing my finger towards him. "Hi Nikhil. Anyway, Aditya, what's up?", she said as she made him look like my minion.

"I'm good. How are you?", I asked. She looked like she would molest me any moment. Not that I would realise what was going on when I would be trampled upon by the massive twins.

"I'm great. You wanna hang out?", she grinned, "Nice T shirt".

"Thank you. Actually I've to go meet my friends now. But, I will see you later. Divya, right?", I started walking away.

"Dude, what the hell?", Nikhil laughed, "How big were those?"

"Shut up man!"

"Seriously! I wonder why she even bothered to use her hands to hold her drink, dude. She could just use...",

"I got it!",I interrupted his joke, "Do you want to talk to girls or not?"

"Of course! That is why we came here, remember?", he said.

"So work with me here", I said as I showed him different girls like a frikkin' wedding broker. We used the 6o clock, 3 o clock method.

He refused each and every girl dismissing them saying they were 5s, 6s or 7s.

"Dude, I'm a 7! So, I should get at least a 9!", he argued.

"Whoa! You're a 7? What am I?"

"You're an 8. Probably a 9." He was being nice today?

"Screw you, man.", I said as I turned to watch the water.

"There.", I said as I saw two gorgeous women standing by the pool. They wore beautiful dresses and stood there clutching their drinks in one hand and the world's smallest purses in the other, giggling away to glory. I really do not understand what one could possibly carry in those things.

"Ah, they're pretty", he said.

"Yeah, come on."

So, we walked up to them. "Hi! How's it going? I'm Aditya.", I smiled, extending my hand.

The one standing nearer to me shook my hand. "Hi! I'm Pooja! And this is Naina", she introduced her lovely friend. Naina waved at me and I waved back. "I'm Nikhil", he said as he shook Naina's hand.

Yes. In my experience, I can honestly say that "Hi" is the best pick-up line in the world. So, "Hey, I'm a thief and I'm here to steal your heart" and "Is your Dad a terrorist because you are a bomb" can kiss my ass.

We occupied a pool-side table, the four of us.  Nikhil spilled his drink on his shirt and Naina found it oddly cute. I think she liked him. She talked so much. But then again, all women do.

"So, Pooja. What do you do?", I asked as I didn't want to bother Naina. Finally, a girl was talking to my buddy.

"I study B.com at Christ University", she said as she played with her wavy hair, "What about you?"

"Electronics engineering. BMS.", I said.

"Ooooh, nice!", she touched my hand. Whoa.

We spent an hour talking. I made the girls laugh when they would take breaks from their non stop talking and Nikhil managed to hang in too.

The night was going great. We got up to have dinner. I helped Pooja up from her chair as we moved towards the buffet. Nikhil tried to do the same and in the process, he accidentally knocked her into the swimming pool.   I stood there with Pooja and 50 other people, looking at Nikhil. The look on his face was bloody priceless! He stood there shocked as poor Naina wiggled about in the pool before finally emerging out dripping wet!

Needless to say, she was super pissed as she stomped Nikhil's foot with her heels and scurried away as fast as she could. "Aaah!", he screamed as people continued laughing their balls off.

Pooja realised her friend needed her and followed Naina. "Call me later?", she said as she left.

"Sure", I said as I hit Nikhil on the head. I couldn't stop laughing either.

"Well, that went well.", he complained as we got into the car.

"Chill, bro", I said driving off into the night, "It's not like they're going to stop making girls."

I'm just shy.

A lot of times, being shy is mistaken for being cocky, being arrogant and being a dick.

I used to be a shy guy. But, I did not know that put people off. I did not know that they felt I was an arrogant prick. Now that I have and sort of corrected the whole situation, I want to talk to you.

Ladies, I don't really understand what problems you have. You know, Estrogen and stuff. So, let me talk to the fellas. I was called arrogant for years behind my back by all kinds of people. Distant relatives and cousins, friends I met not-so-frequently..This is a problem. You've got to set it straight.

Listen guys, I'm no Agony Aunt. I'm not writing advice columns here. I just want to help. 

Say you've just got into college. You've got a solid four years! Hot women everywhere! So, being shy gets you nowhere! Trust me, no girl is going to say "Awh, look at that guy, he's so shy, let me go talk to him." unless your shy and sit by yourself in your Gallardo or something. In which case, you can push your meat into any homo sapien you want. 

So, you're not doing yourself any favours by being an introvert. 

I'm so glad I found out what people said behind my back. I decided I'm going to work on it. I had a little chat with myself. I'm this crazy, funny bastard amongst my friends, right? I could try and be the same with other people, right? 'Hallelujah, asshole!", my mind replied.

Then on, I made constant efforts to improve my social life and I have to say, It changed my life.

I started going up to random girls at parties, you know, as dares. I started hanging out with people I would otherwise just smile at and walk away. 

Now, life's kickass! I can easily be myself around anyone. Any girl I meet, any girl I date, I'm my usual retarded self and people really like that. Most people don't bitch about me anymore and some still do. Bitches.

I sound like on of those Infomercial advert guys huh? I bought this amazing Sauna Slim Belt, LOOK AT ME NOW! Hahahaha NO!

 Most importantly, I have fun! To me, that's how you measure a person's life. How much fun you had.

So, there you go. I don't know how much this helps. I was just talking about whats happened with myself. But, if atleast one shy clueless bugger reads this and makes amends, I couldn't ask for more. Cheers.

So, screw Marie-Louise von Franz! Shyness is not equal to Arrogance. 

We just didn't know it.

Oh and by the way, in this blog I didn't mean to talk only about shyness and ladies. Damn it. Excuse me, excuse my age. 

10 FUN THINGS TO DO IN CLASS

Okay, so you're in class and let's face it, you don't understand shit.

Let's have some fun then.

1. Swat imaginary flies.

2. Stand up in the middle of the lecture and yell "EVERYBODY GET DOWN!!!"

3. Get your friends to stand up with you and start yodelling.

4. Ask the teacher what her occupation is.

5. When the teacher says "That's it for today", sprint out.

6. Stare at the wall and say "Hey, how's it going?"

7. Get atleast 20 classmates together and perform a mexican wave.

8. Get on your cellphone, stare at the teacher and say "Target acquired on suspect!"

9. Go up to the teacher, kneel down and start saying, "Rimpoche! Rimpooche!" (ref: Buddhist CFL Advert)

10. Crack open your bagpack, peer inside and say, "No, it's not time to come out yet, Scruffy!"