What went wrong?

There's this thing I read online a couple of days ago that made me laugh. It was a poll that sort of decided the 'Youth Icons' of 2011. The results were as follows.

1. Justin Bieber - 56%

2. Lady Gaga - 29%

3. Robert Pattinson - 15% 

I don't know about you but, to me that is hilarious. I switched my laptop off and threw myself onto the bean bag. Red bull in hand, I stared at the ceiling.

What went wrong?

Kids today idolize Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga. How did this happen? There are so many people we can idolize. We have social reformers, doctors, novelists, army men, sportsmen, charity workers but no, we want a freak in a meat dress! Do kids really not see anything weird growing up to be Lady Gaga? This is something I've always wondered. Huh. Lady Gaga. What species is that? Women are beautiful. They shouldn't do that to themselves. I don't know if you know this but I saw a picture of Lady Gaga before she became a freak and do you know what, she looked gorgeous. Plastic surgery is mental too. I mean, look at Micheal Jackson, holy shit! That is not a good look. I know all you MJ fans are going to be cross with me, but let's be honest, he looked like a fox caught in a windstorm.

Justin Bieber. Why is he that famous? Why is it that when I just type 'J' in Google search box, I get  ten million results for Justin Bieber?  Is it because he said the word "Baby" more times than anyone else in the world in a period of five minutes? Is that it? And do you know what, he won the American Music Award and the Billboard Music Award for it. I'm baffled. What is wrong with us? Why do we celebrate such madness and banality?  I don't get it. Justin Beiber's got an autobiography out. How mad is that? He's 16 years old, for fuck's sake!

Imagine reading  that book. Chapter three. "Today, I was denied riding the roller coaster at Disney World because I'm not tall enough. I'm very sad. Mom said, 'Eat your veggies, Justin.' I said to myself, 'One day I'll conquer that roller coaster, one day.' as I ate my veggies."

I saw everywhere how everyone made fun of Twilight, you know, so I read it. I mean, what a heap of shit.

I get it now. 'I must leave, Bella, for I believe I endanger your life. I'm a vampire, Bella.', says the vampire named Edward. Along comes a ware wolf named Jacob. It's too corny isn't it? "You have to choose, Bella. I'm a vampire, I'm a ware wolf. Choose, Bella, choose." What is wrong with Bella? By that logic, why can't it be, "Oe Bella. I'm a Caterpillar. Choose me. I'm an insect. I'm also a train, Bella." 

Just saying. How did all this become the epicentre of cool? What is wrong with the music I listen to? 

David Soul, Ronan Keating, James Taylor, Robbie Williams, Eric Clapton, Brian Johnson, Angus Young, James Morrison, The Beatles. They make me feel alive, you know, they make me feel good. I have fun. 

I don't know about you but listening to Pa Pa Pa Poker Face makes me feel nauseated. 

There's this other thing that baffles me. I saw a group on Facebook the other day named "Justin Bieber Haters". I ventured inside, 'cause I'm an idiot and do you know what I found? There was this admin, a 17 year old named Martin who ran the group. The group consisted of two thousand other idiots who spent a considerable amount of their time online expressing their hate towards Beiber every single day! How mad can you get? Yes, you dislike someone. You say 'yeah, he's shit.' and move on with your lives. Not dedicate your entire childhood to make fun of someone who's never even going to read the insulting meme you created!

But hey, don't get me wrong. I love kids. I'm not one of these people going 'Bloody children. Never running around, always on computers.' No. Because we would've done the exact same thing but our computer games were shit!

"Adi, do you want to go to the park?"

"Oh, I don't think so, man. I'm playing this game where you got to get the fish across the stream jumping on boats."

"wow. Really?"

"Yeah, if he doesn't get on the boat, he's going to fall into the water and die even though he's a fucking fish."

Have you seen the games we have today? Call of Duty, Diablo, Crysis, Dirt! Did you know Max Payne 3 is 27 GB? I mean, screw the park!

All I'm saying is, It would probably be better if the kids would idolize someone who isn't a proper ass clown and get to the park once in a while so we could say no to bariatric surgery.

So, this is me. Just trying to make the world a better place. Haha!

Wingman for an Old Man

It was a beautiful Sunday morning. I lay in bed, not really asleep. Turned my head towards the alarm clock.

5:42 AM. Huh.

I looked out the window. The sun was half up. And my God, it looked beautiful. Aah, the tender chirping of parrots and pigeons had kept me up all bloody night. I looked at a dog barking on the street. No other life form in sight. Who the fuck are you barking at?

'How about I go running?', I asked myself. The outdoors look swell.

Tracks, shoes and headphones on, I was out. Holy Crap, it was cold. I ran on the lonely otherwise packed road with James Taylor singing in my ears. With the exception of the occasional paper delivery guy and the milk man, there was nobody awake. I also saw an old woman stealing flowers from the tree in someone Else's home. Cheap.

I ran for about 10 minutes and I reached a park. The sun was up. I went in, stretched a bit and sat down on a stone bench.

"When you give me that pretty little pout,
 It turns me inside out.
 There's something about you, baby!", I sang without really realising where I was. But hey, that's James Taylor.

"What the hell did you just say to me?", I heard a voice say.

I cut the music, turned around and saw an old man sitting next to me. "I'm sorry?"

"Are you hitting on me, boy?", the old man laughed.

"Is it working?", I winked. He burst into laughter. It was scary.

"I'm Retd. General Shankar Prasad.", he introduced himself.

"Aditya Bhat, sir!", I whipped my right hand in salute. Ha!

"What happened there?", he pointed to the plaster on my left hand.

"Aah, cricket injury. You've got your sacrifices, we've got ours."

"You're a funny young man!", he burst out laughing again. "Now tell me, he continued, "Why are you running in a park at 6 in the morning with a broken hand when the rest of your generation is asleep? Looking for women eh? Go to a mall."

"You sly man", I smiled, "I can't play for 6 months with this injury, might as well keep fit."

"Good on you. You want to know the real reason I come here?", he leaned forward.

"Because you need all the fresh air you can get to survive?", I quipped. This old man would not kill me if I even made fun of his manhood.

"Look at that woman over there?", he pointed his finger out, "That's Geeta. I love her."

"Are you mad!", I jumped.

"Settle down, son. I've lost my wife. My kids live in London. What's my fault?", he said.

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"I sit here everyday across her trying to muster up the courage to just talk to her. Her husband's dead too. If I could just ask her out, once.."

"You come here everyday? You horny bastard.", I laughed.

"Are you going to help me or not?", he said, " What's wrong with me? I look great don't I?".

This conversation had reached escalating degrees of awkwardness. 15 minutes ago, I was just a guy walking in a park, listening to his music, minding his own business. Suddenly, I'm helping a 70 year old man get laid.

How does this seem to happen to me?

"Oh yes, you look ravishing.", I quipped.

"Tell you what, we're going to go have coffee and you are helping me.", he suddenly sounded strict.

"Sir, yes, sir!".

At the coffee stall, with a coffee cup in hand, he began again. "So, what do you feel?"

I still had no idea what to say.

"Well, let's be honest, you dress like a boss. But you have no hair."

"Oh you're talking about hair now? You have no idea. You should see me, son. I'm like Bob Marley down there."

"Oh my God. Please sir, I do not deserve that privilege.", I said, very close to puking.

"So, I go talk to her?", he questioned. "Might as well get this over with", I thought to myself.

"Yes.", I began, "Let me tell you exactly what you need to do. Go over there. Say hello. Tell her it's a great park but not too much information like who the contractor was and what cement was used."

"Go on.", he muttered.

"Play your military card. Because let's face it, that's the only card you have. Tell her about how you once saved the lives of an innocent mother and her infant child who were stuck in the crossfire of a gun battle between the army and militants somewhere on the border during the course of which you were shot in the right shoulder. That ought to do it."

"You think I can pull that off?", he asked.

"You're a horny 70 year old who goes to a park just to look at a woman. Come on.", I said.

"You're a genius, you realise that don't you?", he couldn't stop smiling, "Thanks, lad."

So, I sat at the stone bench sipping coffee as my old pupil walked out of the park with the old lady.

What was gorgeous Sunday morning.

What should 4 year olds play with : iPads or Lego?

Okay, so I'd like to start off by apologizing for not writing often. I have been mourning the tragic loss of a certain Micheal Jackson.

Anyway, I was reading the newspaper the other day and there was this topic about how children are utterly addicted to the new age gizmos and how their parents felt about that. So, this got me thinking.

I didn't get an iPad when I was 4. I wasn't neanderthal, either. So, what is my take on the issue?

There were two teams of parents, as I saw it. The ones that were proud that the toddlers were tech savvy (Team A) and the others who felt that too much technology at such a young age would screw them up (Team B). They all are right.

Team A is ecstatic that their kids can so wonderfully access Facebook on their own laptops and iPads. Whether or not they can write, speak or read English is an entirely different matter. All these kids probably do on the Internet is google stuff like 'Cute puppies' and 'Ben 10' or play games like 'Dress up the Barbie' and 'Farmville'. You are never going to see a kid make proper use of what the gizmo is designed to do. That is exactly what I am getting at. Why does your kid need an iPad to look at a cute puppy? Buy her a frikkin' cute puppy instead!

When I was a four year old, all I got was a wooden bat and a tennis ball. Did that upset me? No! I was ecstatic! I would run to the local playground and play cricket, out in the sun, all bloody day! I would even get a chance to rub it in the other kids like "Look at that, I have my own cricket bat! Yeah, that's right, sucker!"
I look at the kids now and it just makes me sad. I mean, come on, where's the spirit? Why are all the playgrounds so empty? Basically, what I'm saying to Team A is, yes, it is good the kids to know their technology. Google makes everyone inquisitive, sure. But, you gotta let them out otherwise they're going to end up fat like the IT people they shall be 20 years later.

On the other hand, I'd disagree with Team B, too. You don't want your kids to be stupid, do you? Buy your son a PlayStation. It's all right. Let him play Halo, Call of Duty, Fifa, whatever. You might want to check on him a little if he's playing Grand Theft Auto, though. Also, take him to parks, play with him. Take him to cricket matches, football matches, all that stuff. If you deny your kid a computer even when he's 13 and make him study all the time, sure, he'll know a lot of interesting shit about long division and protons, but, he shall look at a computer elsewhere and say to you "Daddy, what is that magic box?" Catch my drift? Ha!

Also, I'm against the idea of elders trying to make the younger generation like them. It is customary for a generation of people to assume that they were far superior in every damn way than the generation that follows. Bullshit.

Distinguished 70 year olds, I ask you, why would you assume you were better? You did not watch porn on the computer because there was  no computer! You looked at the wheels of the only Premier Padmini passing your village and you just sat there going, "Whoa. Mind blowing."

What do the 40 year olds say?

Q: How were you as a child?
A:Well, when I was a child, I wasn't naughty like the children of today.

Q: Did you do well in your exams?
A: Yeah, I scored 60% at the least.

Q: How is that good?
A: Let me tell you, the exams these days are getting easier.

Q: Maybe the children are getting cleverer?
A: What have you been smoking?

We're miserable as fuck and yet, we want to make kids like us?

Children of today are brilliant, no doubt. Channelise that. Let them make mistakes, it's okay. Let them have fun. Make them read novels, watch movies, celebrate what's good about life. Let them party. Just make sure they don't get molested. That is what it is, really. 'Freedom with a certain limitations.' You can't say to your son, "Okay look, this is a porn website. There's lots of nasty stuff in it. So do not enter this website. Got it?" and expect to do exactly what he says, "Okay Mommy, I won't." He shall end up playing with the gentleman sausage all day long and all you are left with is pretty screwed up plumbing. That's just the way it goes.

I realise I may have crossed some kind of line, here. "This boy is talking out off your ass", you might say. Forgive me.

I was so excited about what I was writing here that I decided to conduct a public poll. So, I went up to citizens of Bangalore with the question "Technology for Toddlers : Boon or Bane?"

And the top answer was, "PISS OFF, SON. I'M BUSY."