I took her to the movies.

Sunday. Time: 10am. Venue: Cinepolis.

I stood in the ticket line behind an old couple who looked like they had just returned from USA after visiting their son/daughter who just had a son/daughter. I noticed how the old man wore baggy shorts and said to the granny, "Latha, hand me the cookie, will you?". Otherwise, he would have said "Latha! Biscuit, give!"

"Two tickets to Inception, please", I said through the mic at the counter. Why do they put a mic there? It's like barely 5 ft between me and the woman at the counter. 

"I'll give you these two seats at the back", she smiled sheepish-ly pointed towards her screen, "That'll be 400 bucks."

Screw me. For 400, me and the boys could have watched a movie at a local cinema, ate a shitload of different shit at the same cinema and probably even gone bowling!

"We're just friends.", I said as I handed over the money.

Why did I just say that to the ticket counter lady?

So, Neha and I approached the security check contraptions. The security woman led Neha to an enclosure where her bag and other stuff would be checked. She flashed me a cute smile and went inside. I always hate how they have these enclosures for women and nothing for guys. Basically, what you're saying is, it is totally okay to molest guys in public.

"What is the screen number?", she asked me as we entered the snack-shack areas. 

"Uh, hold on.", I said reaching into my pockets, "Screen 4. Do you want anything?"

"No, we'll eat later. Come on, let's go."

We occupied our seats, G 14 G15 and I don't what it is, but we always have a discussion at length about how comfortable the seats are. She's like "Oooh look, so comfy! This is so soft, oooh this slides back. Aaah, a cup-holder!". Did you just recently move to civilization, cave-woman? 

Now, we're sitting there, waiting for the multi-media experience to begin. But, it doesn't begin right away. Oh no. Vico-Vajradanti, my friends. I wonder why they never play those adverts on TV anymore but they still rule cinema ad-space. "Vico Tumeric, nahi cosmetic! Vico Tumeric ayurvedic cream", I started mock singing as she went "Shsssh! You're embarrassing, pah" and giggled.

Then came the promos. You love the promos, man. Everyone loves the promos. No matter what horrible movie it is, all movies have great promos. That is how they do it. And you love them because it's like suddenly you feel you're a movie critic. You seem to analyze the whole movie in under 2 minutes and you say, "I want to see that, next time." 

So, after at least eight promos, the movie began preceded by the Film Certificate. A guy walked past us with a huge tray of food and Neha turned to me out of no-where and said, "I'm thinking I want something to eat."

"Oh, uh..I asked you like 10 minutes ago and you said you weren't hungry."

"That was 10 minutes ago, now I'm hungry." Magic. Here, guys try to be gentlemen and say "I'll go get it, you stay here." So I'm like, "What do you want?".

She swayed her arms around, wobbled her pretty little head for five minutes and sighed, "What do they have?". 

They've got a French Blanquette de veau, deep fried Foie gras and a bottle of 1944 Anna Maria champagne. What do you think they have out there? They have the same bullshit since Multiplexes opened in India - Popcorn, Pepsi and Nachos.

But a girl's never going to say "Get me a small bucket of popcorn, I won't be able to eat the whole thing, anyway." 

"Okay, Pepsi. Tell them not to add ice in the Pepsi, it hurts my teeth. Some nachos, crispy ones. And a large bucket of popcorn. Ooh, let it be extra butter but not too much butter.", she said.

I stared at her.

"That's enough, right? Is that too much?", she asked, sensing I don't know what.

"No problem, be right back", I said as I left but what I really thought was "I wish a truck would run over me right now so that I get compensation money to pay for all this."

I got back with my huge tray of "down-to-the-last-detail" food and suddenly I can't remember where my seat is. It's dark not only because my movie is going on but it's night time in the movie as well. So, I'm just standing there like a vendor, scared and alone. There was this uncle who's view I blocked trying to locate my seat. "Move pah! Ayyyy!", he shouted. I moved towards the wall on the side. I'm angry, having to miss the movie and also getting cussed off by this uncle who's pretending he understands what's exactly going on. Dream in a dream in a dream, my ass. 

I suddenly remembered the ticket counter lady saying "These two tickets at the back." Of course! Now, I remember! I ran to the upper end of the theatre and saw Neha watching the movie intently.

 Isn't it weird how you have to do that thing where you pass by people sideways? Like, "Uhm sorry...uh sorry..excuse me, excuse"..you stamp an innocent woman's foot.."sorry..sorry". Damn it, whooop, I made it. I'm back! 

"You took long", she smiled. "Yeah, sorry", I said, "Take the pop-corn." I was interrupted by a "Shssssh!" let out a middle aged man who wanted me to just shut the hell up and take a frikkin' seat. What is it with these people? 

Dream inside a dream madness lasted for another hour and the movie finally ended. We waited for the people in a hurry to exit the theatre, first. Them lunatics rush out as if it were a frikkin' revolution.

The exit lead to the food court, of course. "I have to use the restroom. I'll be out in a minute.", Neha said and went in. I made a quick wee-stop in the men's room and waited...and waited....and waited.

20 minutes later, she emerged out of the rest-room, looking prettier than ever. Because here's the thing. When guys go to the toilet, we normally have one goal - Urination. With girls, it is never urination and out. Far from it. They turn it into the beauty salon and what not. If it's a bunch of girls, there would be a photo studio established in the loo, as well.

We sat at a table in the food court. I wasn't really hungry because she ate only 5% of the popcorn and I finished the rest of it because it was my frikkin' money. 

"What do you want?", I said.

She swayed her arms around, wobbled her pretty little head for five minutes and sighed, "What do they have?"

Aw, crap. Here we go, again.....